Thu Feb 20 08:05:37 EST 2014

Well, I am keeping ahead in the writing department. Currently, I am sticking with my general two day buffer. this I find helps avoid falling behind due to any personal issues, it might save in case of technical ones as well.

“Ran around” with my wife a little bit yesterday. We visited one of our local dollar stores. I got a tube of shave gel, a baking soda deodorant (do not care much for the metal based deodorants), a bag of peppermint puffs, new pair of ear buds, a Jumex can of mango to drink.

Was long ago turned on to drinking Jumex, having worked with Asian and Hispanic folks in various jobs. A lot of these folks in the poultry plants drink it. A person only lives once, no need to let fear dominate life. Yes, am aware that a certain bit of fear dominates mine.

That fear is not what I am discussing here. The fear I discuss here is the kind what begets prejudice, hate. That kind of fear, I do not grant an inch to.

The fear which can debilitate me, is a fear of losing control. I used to have a really aggressive and potent anger. And yes, I can still become highly angry. This anger in me, if I “let go” makes messes, causes pain, trouble. So, I fear it, or rather fear not having control of it.

This was something discussed in therapy yesterday, too. I talked of some idiot whom came through a grocery check out line. I had been working there, bagging groceries, stocking. This guy loudly to buddies starts spouting off about killing a bunch of Iraqi people, having been on tour there, boasting about being rewarded with a new fifty thousand dollar pick up, and hundred thousand dollar a year career after serving.

He went to detail, stated a number of people he killed. I was fortunate the lady working the register was nice, saw my expression. She sent me to the back saying she was good to go.

Granted, I did not serve much. Some of my service is not “officially” listed. Still, I know a rough estimate of folks that I am aware will no longer suffer. Big deal. This is not something a person talks about openly. At least in my mind they don’t. Killing is far too easy to do, harder to not do. Harder to live knowing one has done it. Harder yet to realize some of the reasoning of “duty” is/was bull dung.

Yet here is this idiot running his yap. I nearly slugged him and told him to shut his bung hole. How disrespectful, dishonorable can people really be and not be considered stupid enough to warrant a bullet? And that anger in me is far too cold, colder than ice.

But then, I am a “nut job”. Well, need to go get ready to feed the critters. The pups have started acting as a unit and trying to trap me in the pen with them. I think they figure sailors are tasty. Hate to break it to them, we’re all nasty and grisly. *chuckles*